If THe Oscars Happened and No One Cared Do We Still Have to Watch?

This week the Oscar Nominations were announced and no one seemed to care. Maybe its me but I somehow doubt that, but no one outside of Hollywood seems to be talking much about the Academy Awards. No one seems to care. No one seemed to care about the Golden Globes either.

I'd like to believe that the General Public has finally fallen out of love with Cults of Celebrity and meritless award shows. More likely however the lack of general attention most likely stems from the fact that Ninety Percent of the public hasn't seen "BABEL" or "NOTES ON A SCANDAL".

I'm not saying the general public should care about Hollywood awards. I wish more people didn't care about what we do in Hollywood. I also wish more people didn't watch "American Idol" and more people wanted to storm the White House in a torchlit revolution. I wish for a lot of things and none of them happen very often.

I think i will remain quite happy with the 2007 Academy Awards safely off my pop culture radar.

Keep it Sexy, America.

How to Write Isaiah Washington Off of "Grey's Anatomy"

A little improvisational Screenwriting for Y'All.

Unless you have been living in the Cambodian Jungle for the last six months you know that Isaiah Washington (Doctor Preston Burke on the estrogenfest known as "Grey's Anatomy", or as I prefer to call him, McNegro) launched into a homophobic tirade in an effort to convince the viewing public that he did not call T.R. Knight (Doctor O'Malley -- okay I admit it, I used to watch this piece of crap show) a Faggot by using the word Faggot twenty million times on live TV. Something like:

"See I would never call T.R. KNIGHT a Faggot because even though he is a Faggot I would never call a Faggot a Faggot because I know calling Faggots Faggots is wrong. Am I right Faggots!?"

Yeah, I find that convincing.

Apparently most of Hollywood didn't and now ABC Executives are apparently close to firing Washington's Black-Ass. See the same Jews that run Hollywood and hide under Mel Gibson's bed at night also happen to be gay Jews. The very same Gay Jews who hide under Isaiah Washington's bed and try to tempt him into sucking a cock against his will.

Writing a character off any established show is a nightmare. Writing a character like Washington's Doctor Preston Burke off "Grey's Anatomy" is an even bigger nightmare because he's major character and fills the vaginal longings of "Grey's Anatomy" female audience for massive black wood.

But I have a solution! Let me SET THE SCENE...

EXT. OPERATING ROOM -- DAY

Doctor McDreamy and McSteamy and McDonalds are replacing a man's anus with a new, artificial anus. Meredith Grey is off binging, purging, and discussing her feelings with her Ugly, Over-Achieving, Korean Girl Friend.

Suddenly Doctor O'Malley Busts into the operating room.

O'MALLEY
"I have a message: Doctor Preston Burke's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan by Faggots. The plane minced to the left, minced to the right, did a high kick and then spun in. There were no survivors."

FADE OUT:

Genius.

Someone get me Shonda Rhimes on the Phone.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Paucity of Real Posts...

I haven't had much to discuss here lately. I think most of my free time attention has been diverted into "Gears of War" and "Oblivion" on my Xbox 360. Doesn't seem like there is much going on...Everyone is still in the process of shaking off the Holidays I think.

Perhaps the President's State of the Union will provide the shot of comedic caffeine and Leftist indignation that I need.

Keep it Sexy, America.

VICTORY!!!

ONE MORE GAME!!!

Keep it Sexy, America

Danny Boyle's New Movie "SUNSHINE"

Danny Boyle's one of my favorite directors. Okay lets just forget about that DiCaprio on an Island Movie, and think nice thoughts about "TRAINSPOTTING" and "28 Days Later".

Embed This Video | Visit Fox Searchlight

Keep it Sexy, America.

'...Leonard Bernstein....'

So I am surfing around the internet before I lay me down to sleep and what do a I see... Winter storms batter the coast of Europe,the Chinese have shot down a satellite with a missile, India is ready to start a war with Great Britain over "BIG BROTHER" and a Bollywood star with the unfortunate name of Shilpa Shetty, and the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy are exchanging faggotries.

Pardon me but am I living in a Roland Emmerich Blockbuster movie? Whats next? Women who can't have babies? The finding of the One Ring? Twisters? TerrorMechaGodzilla? Zombies?

(Personally I vote for zombies and the Undead....The Glendale Galleria is MINE.)

Keep it Sexy, America.

'This is SPARTA!'

This is my new bandwagon Spring 07 movie obsession. And whatever more than likely logical objection you have to "300" I will tell you now, I don't care.

This looks COOL.

And this IS....



SPARTA!

Keep it Sexy, America

David Beckham: L.A.'s Newest Wanker

Stole this from an Ad the Los Angeles Galaxy is running on LATimes.com...



ONE NIGHT ONLY! ON YOUR FEET OR ON YOUR KNEES LOS ANGELES! I GIVE YOU DAVID BOWIE...Wait...DAVID BECKHAM!

Seriously this guy even play soccer? Or does he just go around looking like a poser?

Keep it Sexy, America.

"This Blog Takes Place Between 1:00PM and 2:00PM..."

Here I go again.

Since "24" first debuted I've had this "Love. Hate. I'm Not Going to Watch It. OK, I am going to watch it." Thing with the show. Lets face it, "24", is the most absurd, thunderously jingoistic piece of television since "THE A-TEAM". I find myself watching in utter shock at how silly "24" gets... Did Jack just kidnap the President? Did a stealth fighter shoot down Air Force One even though the F-117 Nighthawk doesn't have Air-to-Air missles...Jack's Daughter is running from a cougar!? A Cougar!?

But that's just the point. I watch and I can't help it. Every year I've watched, and since FOX started the Non-Stop "24" Thrill-Ride I find myself riveted in stupifying ignorance to my TV screen.

And, yeah, you know what I am going to do it all again this year, hating myself every step of the way.

This what eating hamburgers made of crack and ground up babies on a supposedly vegan diet must feel like.

Keep it Sexy, America.

"You Know, Stan, I've Learned Something Today..."

Recently I posted all my old XBOX stuff -- games, system, controllers, manuals -- on Amazon's Marketplace to get rid of. In one more year all the first generation XBOX stuff is worthless so why not? And for the most part the stuff just FLEW OFF the cyber-shelves. Within a day if not less.

Now my attitude about buying anything used was formed in my youth before eBay and Amazon Marketplace. I always assumed that when you buy anyone else's crap that there is a Sixty / Forty chance that whatever I am buying is going to be ... well, crap. No matter how well anyone takes care of Anything there is one fatal flaw when buying Old Stuff: Old Stuff is Old.

Hence my rather obnoxious tendency to buy everything new, from a store, with a receipt, in a box with a Brand Name on It. Yeah, I never get the Best Deals. But you know what? My DVD player works and if it it doesn't I take it back to Fry's Electronics. My XBOX 360 works and if it doesn't I send it back to Microsoft. You can't do that with the $500 Plasma you bought off Craig's List.

So that's always been my attitude towards buying and selling used stuff. Hey, I'm not out to scam anyone but you are rummaging through the dusty bits of my life for a $6.00 video game. If it doesn't work two weeks later...Well Sorry?

But people who buy used crap online really don't have that attitude I've discovered. Not only do they expect your used crap to be sold to them at far below market value, people buying online expect that your Used Crap is Like New, utterly Pristine, and Guaranteed to work Forever. Otherwise they should be able to send it back...RIGHT!?

The whole sense of 'You're Buying Someone Else's Crap' has been totally forgotten. Now your average person selling his Used Video Games is held to the same standard as a retail store down the street.

Hello? Would you buy a lamp at a garage sale for $2 and then take it back a day later if it didn't work? Demanding your $2? No. I hope not... Yet, buying something from a person off Amazon or Craig's List somehow affords you that right.

Not only do most people seem to expect the average "rights" they are bequeathed by a retail store, but they also expect you to read for them as well. You sent me the wrong game! It was listed under XBOX games. I wanted the PS2 version! Well, should've READ THE FRACKING AD THEN! The same goes for the people that send emails complaining some four year old plastic snapcase was torn...When the ad clearly stated case was banged up.

The level of Whining American Stupid White People Entitlement is gut-wrenching. There is a basic lack of respect for the concept you are buying something Used from Someone Else. Someone else who bought it new, and enjoyed it, and cared for it, and who is selling it to you for Whatever reason. There is also a basic lack of reality -- that sense of I am buying something Used because I want to save money and that comes with its own set of disadvantages.

All that's gone. You are expected to be Target with a Eternal Return Policy. On a personal level something I doubt I'll do again. Sorry World you won't have my Used Crap to Kick Around Anymore!

Keep it Sexy, America.

When Live Blogging Goes Too Far...

I was driving thru my neighborhood Jack-N-The-Box and somewhere between the callbox where you order your arterial death and the window where you pick up your arterial death they have these newspaper boxes for L.A Times and the lone voice of Los Angeles' Right Wing (both of them) the L.A. Daily News.

The right hand corner box headline blared: "COMPLETE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD COVERAGE! Complete with constant Live Blogging...!"

Is that really necessary? I mean Live Blogging the Academy Awards is fun (especially when you can track the sobriety of the blogger with the geometric increase in typos) and Live Blogging the Emmys might have its place. But the People's Choice Awards? Do we really need that? Really?

Keep it Sexy, America.

The Disturbed Mind of The Donald

I knew it would blow and I still had to watch it.

I've been watching "THE APPRENTICE" for so long I don't even think about whether the show is good or not. Akin to another Mark Burnett train-wreck, "SURVIVOR", "THE APPRENTICE" is appointment TV for lack of a better appointment. Er, or was...

I'll spare you the review. Suffice to say "The Apprentice" finally jumped the shark. Whatever thin veil of credibility -- and thin veils of crediblity are the only thing that keeps a reality show alive -- is gone in favor of some truly weird and awful self-parody on the part of Donald Trump.

So I was watching this train-wreck. There's The Donald and Ivanka's Shiny Plastic Tits in "The Boardroom". So what bonmot of fantastic, co-brand "Trump Wisdom" does Donald Trump choose to kick off this year's "Apprentice: Los Angeles"?

"...When I think of L.A. I think of Movies, and Sex, and Cars... For your first task I'm going to have you run a car wash?"

WHAT!?

What do those three things have to do with getting one's car washed!? Is The Donald spending his days now watching late night fare on Cinemax in some sort of Howard Hughes-esq rapture? Plodding about in gold gilded tissue box slippers, sipping sealed milk and popping reds and blue, commanding Ivanka to bring him his copy of "Bikini Car Wash 3"?

Keep it Sexy, America.

You Knew This Would Happen -- Wii Sex

Now we (or is it Wii?) know why so many of those "Alpha Moms" love the Wii!



Keep it Sexy, America.

YouTube Sunday: Kansas City F-Bombs

Keep it Sexy, America.

Joel Stein Reads his Email After All!

Much to my surprise I got an email back from Joel Stein this afternoon. After, of course, trashing him and his newspaper.

See if I blog about someone or something I generally do the sporting thing; I drop them an email and tell them they've been blogged. Not for everything, not all the time. Jesus, I'm not going to send every Studio's Marketing Department an email every time I rant about a crappy TV show or movie. In general though I prefer stabbing my enemies from the front...

Surprisingly Joel Stein was a decent sport about it. Much more so than I would've been more than likely. Maybe I got retract that snark about, "can't take The Heat but happens to Love His Kitchen..."

He must have some balls and a method to his angst-y madness. Don't know quite what that is though... Oh, lord, does that mean I have to read his column now? Has this all been a ruse Joel? To get me to read your column?

FOOL THAT I'VE BEEN!

Keep it Sexy, America.

"Children of Men" -- A Hollywood Chick's Review

This is a rough paraphrase of an actual conversation overheard upon exiting a late show of "Children of Men" at Arclight Theaters:

"Okay...Okay....Like this they were like in this Rebellion and there was like this rebellion because like there were these people right... and they stopped like having babies, right? No, no, no! Its like this like rebellion right? Because like the government is like putting all these like people into like these cages right?"

I think we've found our next Pauline Kael!

Keep it Sexy, America

"DIRT" -- My Worthless Reaction

I tuned into the FX premiere of "DIRT" last night because ... well, there was nothing else on.

Ultimately, *YAWN*. Fifteen minutes into the pilot I was starting to wander of -- do the dishes, re-stack DVDs, check my Amazon Seller's account.

I was bored by "DIRT". I didn't care about the characters or the stories. It didn't even seem like "DIRT" tried to grab your attention. As if the sight of Monica playing Cruella Deville, chatting about her drink was going to rivet me to my seat. If they didn't work Rick Fox naked in a hot tub with some ex-porno actress surely would, right!? Not so much.

The pilot just seem to drift along relying on the shock of drugs (that We the Audience Collectively know about), sex (which We the Audience have all seen before on TV -- done better too), and the outrageousness of the main characters (who weren't all that outrageous by "Real" Hollywood standards).

Yeah, Courtney Cox is intentionally unlikeable as the Evil Overlord of her tabloid magazine empire, but she's so unlikeable that she's not believable. In the first season of ENTOURAGE Ari Gold is an unlikeable, brazen ass. That's not all he is though -- Ari's also a family man, loves his wife (in his way), and hovers over his daughter. He's still unlikeable at times but he also seems like a fully formed person. Courtney Cox's tabloid Editorix character comes off as so singularly vicious it feel as though she's playing it for parody.

(If you notice I can't even remember the names of the characters in "DIRT" that's how forgettable a show it is. I had to go back and look up that Cox's character is named Lucy Spiller.)

The same goes for all the characters in "DIRT". They are walking, talking embodiments of cardboard with no motivation beyond whatever plot element they are driving at. The only glimmer of characterization is Ian Hart's clincally crazy (shizophrenic) photographer, Don Kinney. Even Kinney comes off as the one dimensional, camera totting Toadie of Lucy Spiller. I was wondering when he'd go waddling out of her office, yelling, YES MASTER!

Another curious thing about "DIRT" is that for a show about Hollywood its not very Hollywood. What remains great about "ENTOURAGE" is how Vince's fictional character brushes past the "real" Jessica Alba or the "real" Anthony Edwards. That fusion of current pop reality with fiction.

In "DIRT" you don't get that. Outside of Courtney Cox no one else is recognizable or famous. The parties aren't fabulous, the clubs don't hop with excitement, the private parties filled with supposedly the Who's Who are dull. DIRT's Hollywood isn't fun, or glamorous, or self-obsessed, or any of the things Hollywood is and can be. I guess one might argue DIRT is supposed to be Hollywood's "dark side". However even that "dark side" is not all that dark. Certainly not as dark as it can be in this town.

Everything feels oddly disconnected between real Hollywood and "DIRT" Hollywood. The Hollywood of "DIRT" feels like "STUDIO 60" -- the kind of over-simplified, inglorious place writers commit to paper for everyone else. And DIRT looks very low budget on top of it. I live in the black centre of Hollywood and I couldn't pick out one familiar locale in the mire.

Where DIRT really falls down is in the fulcrum of the entire show. The Tabloids odd relationship with celebrity. Considering F/X background -- NIP/TUCK, The Shield, Rescue Me -- you'd expect something pretty novel and interesting. Nope. There is nothing here that hasn't been done on every other TV show from MURDER ONE to LAW AND ORDER. There's no inside baseball here. There is no real knowledge of how the Tabloids really work. What research Cox and Company did on this show must've been watching the way Every Other Show has depicted the life of the tabloid.

Nothing special. I'll give it one more episode but I am not impressed.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Guess Who's Back!? Pat's Back, Pat's Back, Pat's Back...

Ah yes, Master of Under-Statement and always Smoothtalker Pat Robertson is BACK! This time with Merry New Year's Wishes for all.

According to CNN.com:

"Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday that God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September."

Really? Because I talked to God, Buddha, and some dude down at the 7-11 where I was buying a Big Gulp today and they told me Pat Robertson was a jack-ass.

You know what's really scary? That Pat Robertson, a man who openly wishes death and destruction on anyone that disagrees with him and frequently tells people he Talks to God, was almost -- almost by a bad roll of the dice and a few drunk voters -- President of the United States.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Joel Stein: Angry Elitist Nerd

I got to admit that I don't spend much of my day with my nose in the L.A. Times. I read a few articles on the web, occasionally one of there better investigation pieces, and the Calender section. That's about it.

I never go near the "real" newspaper at the store. I never touch the sports section; I have ESPN for that. I never read the Opinion Section; I find more agreeable commentary elsewhere that hasn't been spewed from the crusty, corporate anus of the Tribune Editorial Board.

Today something did catch my eye on the L.A. Times Homepage today. Joel Stein's psuedo-blog blared the headline, "Have something to say? I don't care" and further blaring, "Don't bother sending anything to that e-mail address below -- because I don't care."

The vast majority are probably going, Who? And why should I care about this arrogant cocksucker trying desperately to be Harlan Ellison?

Joel Stein. You know the name and probably know the face. One of those glib, Cooler than Thou, Nerd Taste-Makers that pop up on VH1 making equally glib comments about This Person's Coke Habit or That Person's Vagina when in reality they are just savaging (with degrees of humor) what they can't be.

That's Joel Stein. Or at least it was. I haven't seen him on VH1 lately. Lately he's been writing editorials I don't read for the L.A. Times.

I had no idea why Stein would engage in in a polemic against anyone who would dare email him personally. After reading his little screed I still am at a loss as to why he takes personal umbrage to anyone who emails him with an opinion other than I get the impression that Stein can't take The Heat but happens to Love His Kitchen...

And (you KNEW there was an AND in there somewhere) that boiling Joel Stein down and stripping away his would-be "blogger" credentials he's an old-school, newspaper Elitist who CANNOT understand why you, the Reading Public, just cannot blindly accept whatever Cultural Taste he decides to brew up and spoon feed to you.

Stein obviously grew up and was miseducated in the days of when the news gathering Media was held aloft as the Fourth Wheel of Government and whatever the newspaper industry felt was worthy of print people would take as secular Gospel. Only the Powerful had voices because only the Powerful had the magic keys that unlocked the Media to them. The Powerful told everyone what to believe, and what to think, and what to watch on one of the four channels of TV.

But all that has changed... Blogs are supplanting newspapers in their ability to cover and uncover Real News. YouTube is providing access to a wealth of news and pure crap. Bit Torrents and ITUNES provide legal and semi-legal methods of circumventing the otherwise carefully scripted way you would normally receive your entertainment. And, yeah, email provides a nearly instant method of expressing one's outrage or personal agreement with someone's opinion.

Those in the old, established sections of the media are confused, befuddled, and a might pissed off by it. What once was the province of only a few now has the possibility of being the province of everyone.

Studio Executives can't understand why THE HULK flops after a hundred million in marketing because a friend of a friend of a friend got a text message saying that it 'SUX'ED BALLS!' Newspaper Editors can't fathom why you'd rather read a penny-sheet blog like this one instead of the measured reporting of some... Snore... Sorry almost put myself to sleep there. Joel Stein can't understand why you feel the need to tell him personally that his opinions are on par with those of a crackhead.

Give Joel Stein a bit of credit. Unlike everyone else in the Mainstream Media he at least has the (small) balls and the thin skinned brio to fess up to it, "And maybe on this site, one brave person will write about how I'm right to stand up against this world of false, easy community, where columnists pretend they think their essays are no more valuable than yours, and friendship is a stranger who thanks you for the MySpace add," he wrote.

All that Ivy Over-grown education and all that perceived Power and still Joel Stein -- THE Joel Stein has to contend with the opinion of lowly YOU! Don't you know who He IS!? POOR FOOL!

Don't blame Joel Stein. He was raised ignorant. Blame the Old Media Whores that still cling to the idea that you Listen, They Decide. Or you can simply ignore them. A quick look at newspaper sales reveals that everyone else is.

Keep it Sexy, America.

The Fag Bartender That Almost Stole New Year's Eve

Truthfully I never have gotten into the whole New Year's Ever Thing.

Never saw the point to it all. Just seemed like an excuse for people who didn't or couldn't part throughout the year to cut loose and act like jackasses for one night a year.

Add to that the fact that Los Angeles isn't a great town for New Years Eve. The bars and clubs are either shutdown or out to profiteer like no tomorrow with $50 covers. The Big Events (like GIANT, roll my eyes and shake my head) are nothing but Tourists. And it seems like from about 8pm to 6am the next day every cop in the LAPD is out roving the streets trying to hang a DUI charge on everyone's neck. You could be a six year old on a tricycle that just brushed with Listerine and you are going to get a breathalyser on the 31st.

The whole vibe isn't that cool with me.

But a Friend had His Friend in town for the week and we, of course, had to do Something, right? We eventually found a nice, cover-free cubby hole at Boardners over on Cherokee and Hollywood. I was perfectly down with that. But the Next Door, Club Part of Boardners has this 80s Dance Party thing. My Friend's Friend is huge into 80s music so we go Next Door...

Then I did something. You know when you do something or say something that you think is perfectly reasonable -- and that maybe 80% of the people around you think is perfectly reasonable -- but you get such a horrified reaction you feel like you suggested barbecuing a small infant for winter solstice? That's what happened.

I flagged down the Barkeep and asks for Two Heineken and a Corona. My Friend had bought a round, His Friend had Bought a Round, and now the duty fell to me to buy a Round. The same sort of behavior guys have been exhibiting in bars since there were bars. Right?

Guess not. This faggy bartender gives me the most appalled Look. Then he nervously yelled in my ear, "I AM ONLY GOING TO GIVE YOU ONE DRINK!" What I thought to myself? Am I shitfaced after a jack and coke and a beer. Before I could retort Fag Bartender Boy added, "I NEED TO SEE YOU FRIENDS!"

I was befuddled. What is this some sort of Fag Bartender needs to approve my Drinking Habits Test? Some weird Fag Bartender Mating Ritual? Was it the Colts jacket I had worn and my blatant non-conformity to not get dressed up to watch the Calender change?

Before I could retort or think of anything to say I pointed to my Friend's Friend, like He's With Me, Queer. (Of course, My Friend was in the john.) Then the Fag Bartender nods, and shouts back, "OKAY WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT!?" Um, One Heineken and a Corona?

Then I give him my credit card and he tells me there is a $15 minimum so leave it open right? Well, dumbass, I wasn't setting up a tab I was buying a round and if I could've bought my round I wouldn't want to leave it open!

Long story short I had to make another trip to get My Friend a drink and complete The Round twenty minutes later. Once I closed my tab that I didn't want to set up I felt dirty, like drinking in a club with a bar was a Bad Thing on New Year's Eve.

The whole incident still leaves me puzzled. I feel as though I have missed some key piece of critical social bar etiquette but I don't know what that would be. I find this all very confusing.

Keep it Sexy, America.