Iraq: Yeah... But the Sex is Fantastic!

Whenever the Baker Commission Report on Iraq comes out they should title it, "When The Sunnis Just Aren't Into You"...

I know I haven't seen in my lifetime a disconnect from the reality of a situation than I see when both Democrats, Republicans, and the Five Year Old in the White House deny that there is a civil war in a Iraq. Something like five hundred people die in a weekend and death squads are roving the streets of Baghdad. Yeah, but, that's not a ... civil war...No...But its close...But ... But ... But ...

What it reminds me of, truthfully, is That Girl. Every guy has known or will know That Girl. She's either a friend who you are carrying the silent love-torch for, or that girl that you sometimes "date" when she's around. The girl you just adore, but she barely notices you. You know, That Girl. That Girl that dates That Guy.

Guys you also know That Guy. The jerkwad who does everything possibly wrong with That Girl. Hurts her, cheats on her, crashes on her sofa and uses her cleaning products, doesn't have a job, sells suspicious car stereos lined up on a coffee table... The list could go on and on and on. But, you know, He's That Guy.

And no matter what That Girl will never, ever really leave That Guy. Oh, she may say she will. She might even leave for a day or a week or a month. But That Guy knows That Girl will be back. And she is. And no one can ever figure it out. Everyone tries to help, heaps on the Oprah-like support and understanding, but she never leaves. Ever. In the meantime she just sucks the life out of every guy she's around until no one can stand to be around her.

Iraq is That Girl and That Guy, and the U.S. is the average Joe stuck in the middle. Oh, we care. We care alot...well, we used to. Now the stories and pleas for help are starting to fall on fresh, deaf ears.

And as guys we all know the solution... Cut the cord, don't pick up the phone, pull the pillows tight across your ears... Leave, walk, run away. Nothing can be done, and no good will come of it.

Maybe George Bush Junior doesn't need foreign policy advice. Maybe he just needs to sit down and have a heart to heart with Doctor Phil.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Oh Joy...

Friday, or maybe it was Saturday I walked over to the Mayfield Market for a bottle of soda and vegetables to shove in my leftover turkey soup, Somehwere between aisle 2 and aisle 6 it hit my fogged over brain: I am so listening to Christmas Carols...

No break, no respite to recover from Thanksgiving. None of that. The Western World has declared that the Holidays are here. Put on the scratchy Burl Ives and be happy. If you fail to be happy here's a mistletoe covered mouth muscle retractor...

Joy...

I'm not one of those cranky types that hate the Holidays. I genuinely enjoy The Holidays most of the time. I wish however I could approach them on my own terms.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well here I am alone on Thanksgiving. Remarkable I am unscathed by the experience of a Holiday to myself. I handle such things much better in private than by a dozen phone calls and parties and friends wedging me uncomfortably between Aunt Sally and Uncle Jonas.

If I can't be around my own family on the Holidays I'd rather do what I am doing. Turkey in the Oven, few friends coming by, football on the TV.

Okay, I got to admit, the football ain't doin' it for me this year. Detroit and Miami? The Joey Harrington Bowl... And Dallas and Tampa Bay... eh, not so much. I understand tradition and all, but, c'mon, when you don't have a winning season in six years (or is it seven?) don't you lose your place in line for a nationally televised game. At least with Dallas and Tampa Bay the NFL was trying; wasn't the NFL's fault that Tamp Bay went into the toilet and that poor kid lost an organ.

The only game I WANT to watch is the one I can't. Yep, that's right. Denver at Kansas City because when Time Warner took over Comcast we all waived Bye-Bye to the NFL Network.

So, yeah, I admit it my remote thumb has been wandering towards "The Closer" marathon on TNT and the James Bond Marathon on SPIKE as I baste my bird.

Keep it Sexy, America.

From the 'What I'll Be Watching Files'

Never have been one of those Outdoor Guys. I've been camping a few times which is enjoyable with the right mix of people, and, yeah, I did the Burning Man Thing two years in a row 1999 (when it used to be cool) and 2000 (when it started to suck). All the rest like kayaking and climbing I'll leave to the REI crowd.

Since I read Jon Krakauer's account of the 1996 Mount Everest Disaster, "Into Thin Air", I have always had a fascination with climbing on Mount Everest. Not because I want to do it, or get anywhere near it, but because people pay so much money and go to such ludicrous lengths to essentially toss themselves into a near death experience. And, of course, climb the highest mountain in the world.

Discovery Channel has taken the next logical jump and has a new reality series, "Everest: Beyond The Limit" on tonight at ten. I checked out the Pilot and it was pretty gripping. I am coming back for seconds.

So if you are a climbing geek or just have a morbid fascination for why people do That check it out.

Or I'll hurt you.

Keep it Sexy, America.

ENOUGH!!!

Normally I have a Live Stream of ESPN Radio open during the day from when I wake up to about the third hour of the Sports Bash.

Mostly dead-air, half-listened to background for my work, work-seeking, and random web surfing. This role used to be filled by CNN but then they came at me with Keira Philips... Eh, yeah, okay. Then hit me with three (or is it four? ten?) hours of Wolf Biltzer. An hour I can take with your standard news cycle...Three? No. Especially when the period at the end of the broadcast sentence is Lou Dobbs with a series of fourteen reports on illegal immigrants taking OUR JOBZ and eating young children from Ohio...No. No. No. Just give me sports banter, please!

Anyway ...

For the first time in a long time I switched off my comfortable background noise because I am sick and tired of hearing about Ohio State and Michigan. Okay, I got it four days ago this is the biggest game in college football history. I got it... Now just play the game. Can we play the game? No? We got to talk about it some more?

Now I am ducking ESPN and sports until tomorrow. Hype I can take, great football I can take, but saturation hype bombing...

Click...Where's Wolf Biltzer?

Keep it Sexy, America.

Gee, L.A. Times that's Subtle...

I was just mid-way through my routine of randomly surfing when I spotted a Headline on the L.A. Times front page , "Another City with NFL Ideas".

The story isn't important. Because it seems like the L.A. Times thinks Garden Grove's efforts to attract an NFL Franchise are already doomed. Why else put that story in the Obituaries Section?

Wa-WAH...

Keep it Sexy, America.

Got Nuthin'

One of my more minor major failings as a writer and as a sparkingly conversationalist is that when I have nothing to say I say nothing. I make no attempt to come up with something clever, or inane, or just something to take up space. Its not writer's bloc, its just a lack of anything interesting to contribute to the discourse.

So its been with this blog...Of late I have had nothing much to say. So I I say nothing. Or write, which is more to the point.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Blogger Beta

I guess I just got upgraded to Blogger Beta... Not without its charms, but not blowing my mind either. As long as it is more reliable than old Blogger I'll be okay with it.

Keep it Sexy, America.

What Does That MEAN!?

I am back after the blindsiding week of...Hell that started off by getting a call from some whackjob at U.S. Customs who informed me my Girlfriend was not coming back into the U.S. and threatening to have an I.C.E. (Immigration and Customs Enforcement, although I think she just thought saying ICE Team was cool) raid my apartment ... and concluded with a general whimper of Hollywood insanity.

I'm back looking for work and looking for money. Hey, I've already gone through one Holiday rotation without an XBOX360.

So I was checking Craig's List and I ran across this ad from AMP'ED Mobile for a copywriter. Maybe I am getting old, or the frequent partying is catching up with me, but is this guy just chain-linking a bunch corporate buzz words together and calling it English?

My favorite line in this ad is "A belief system about what constitutes good writing, design, and advertising" ... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? I am sitting here, scratching my head, like HUH!? I gotta have a belief system to write now? Um, I don't know, I believe like good writing is ... you know good...It doesn't suck and it makes sense... In other words the exact opposite of that ad...

Job hunting drives me crazier than doing a job. Sighs...No "GEARS OF WAR" for Larry this year.

Keep it Sexy, America.

VICTORY!

I stayed up to Midnight last night watching the slaughter. First time in a long time I saw a tiny, tiny glimmer of hope in American politics.

And when I tune into six hours of election coverage on MSNBC with Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann what I really want is more Keith Olbermann, less to no Chris Matthews, and quite possibly a lot of Norah O'Donnell (H-O-T-T, gentleman). Nothing political here. Watching Matthews jammering, stumbling, fumbling, reminisces, was painful when juxtaposed against cutaways to Olbermann who looked like someone caught in a one man party with the only party's drunk was painful.

Keep it Sexy, America.

I Find It Kind of Funny, I Find it Kind of Sad...

Calls right after you get up at 9:30am are never good ones. This one was from some U.S. immigration officer, a girl, speaking both soft and hard, who first shotgunned me about a ton of questions about my Girlfriend, and who then, after a nervous and tense back and forth, quickly and quietly telling me she wouldn't be allowed into the country....Most likely banned for five years.

My world just imploded completely. My life has never been easy. When Julie intially came down everything was going to be different. A production company and a decent income every month was not too far off. Maybe a beach house and a quiet life... None of that worked out as money, and credit, and promises of big movies deal, and eventually hope faded away.

It was never easy. Somehow we hung together, and she waited...She couldn't work, couldn't do anything. But she waited and she was still waiting ...

Now it feels all gone. Wreckage all around me. Mad world.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Slow Slide to Tuesday's Election

My prediction for Tuesday's Mid-Term Election... The Democrats barely win the House, and they miss winning control of the Senate by one or two elections. A couple of really close Senate races will just mysteriously start trending Republican when the votes are totaled even though the exit polls point the other way by a small margin.

We'll shrug and go, Wow, this country is closely divided and I guess John Kerry hurt the Democrats and ... a Never ending spin. Of course, that won't even be close to the Truth. The truth is that when you steal an election you need to give the public enough plausible doubt to write any other explanation off as "weird conspiracies".

Why the pessimism? Go watch HBO's new doc "Hacking Democracy" and you'll get the same grumble of doubt in your stomach. I also think that George Junior is enough of a self-deluded and self-appointed Messiah to believe stealing a little democracy is in the best interest of His America.

I hope I am wrong. Part of me knows I'm not.

Keep it Sexy, America

It's Official...

(reverend) Ted Haggard's half-admission that, well, gee, he bought crank from a gay escort. But, oh, no, never had hot, ass-banging sex with said male prostitute and never did the meth he bought...

Okay, that is Officially both the Stupidiest Thing I've Ever Heard and the Stupidiest Excuse I've Ever Heard. If he bought and never did it what did he do with it then? Stare at in the lights and watch it sparkle?

Hey at least borrow a page from the Mel Gibson end around. Come out all apologetic and say, Yes I did whatever...But I HAVE FOUND THE LIGHT! Okay, no one finds the light, but everyone can believe that until they catch you on Santa Monica and Fairfax at two am. Or trying to exterminate the Jews from Malibu.

But I bought it and never did it? Dude, weak. Super weak. At least Foley had a Priest to point the finger at.

Keep it Sexy, America.

The Tom Cruise Conspiracy

I don't know if anyone's pointed this out ...

But the original United Artists Studio was basically bankrupted by the legendary budget excess of a movie named "Heaven's Gate". By happen chance Heaven's Gate was the name adopted by a goofy UFO Cult in San Diego who committed mass suicide in 1997 to catch a ride on a commit. Now United Artists, who made and was brought down by "Heaven's Gate" (the movie) is being resurrected by Tom Cruise, a whacky member of another UFO Cult.

He almost got away with it, that Sneaky Butthole.

Keep it Sexy, America.

Olbermann: Truth Speaking Back to Power

I had watched Keith Olbermann on Sports Center when I was growing up. He always cracked me up, and when he left ESPN I Sports Center was never again appointment TV.

I always knew he had a news show on MSNBC ("Countdown") but I never really tuned in until a couple friends recommended his show this Summer. I can't think of another Journalist that does a better job than Olbermann. He's got a fire in his belly. He realizes that since 9/11 Bush Jr. isn't just politics, it is a dogfight for the soul of the United States.

Olbermann is not afraid to call Bullshit when the Bullshit is painfully obvious, and he isn't afraid to stare into a camera and challenge the President of the United States. Can you see Katie 'Perky' Couric doing that?

For those that have never seen an Olbermann Special Comment take a look below.



Keep it Sexy, America.

Madonna's New 2007 Designer African Baby-Purse...

What is personally funny about Madonna's Buy-A-Baby incident is that her bundle of publicity looks like a friend of mine from Nigeria. Well, like when he was a baby. My friend's name? David...

The other thing that surprises me is that it took this long for people to start getting concerned, nay, outraged over celebrity plucking out poor kids like they Vutton handbags. OK, I'll give you that some have done it because they are trying use their money and influence to make other people's lives a bit better. If that's what Brad and Angelina are selling me I'll buy it from them...

But, c'mon, now everyone is doing it because its the hot, celeb thing to do. Africa is chic, poverty is chic, grabbing the cutest baby around and calling it an "adoption". Do they care? Sure maybe. Look really good and humble doing it? Oh yeah.

How about instead handpicking the cutest of the Third World and covering them in bling all these celebs get together and donate most of their money to these countries. Brad Pitt's ten million for Ocean's 13 goes a lot farther in Africa and South America than just adopting a kid and funding a school. Hey, Warren Buffet did it because he realized that once you hit more than a million you've got more money than any person can rightfully spend in a life so he gave most of it away.

When Madonna does that and doesn't make the Oprah circuit trumpeting it than I buy into celebrity goodwill. Until then... no way.

Keep it Sexy, America.