Yeah, I know, I have neglected to post anything for months, years, nay centuries. Sorry, got real work to do. And I'd rather spend my free time at the movies, at a soccer game, or blowing away Germans in 'Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood'.
But, anyway, I was trying to finish up an script about Hong Kong and getting a bit bored when a commercial for eHarmony popped up. You know the ones with the vaguely unattractive people talking about "the love of their lives" (the other one, besides, IHOP) and then that creepy guy, Neil Clark Warren pops on screen.
You know that guy, he used to schill for Jame Dobson's Focus on the Family before he found out he could make more money selling sap to singles everywhere. Yeah, that guy. That creepy, creepy guy who seems like a nice, grandpa type until you find him fisting a young infant in the back of the church as he worships Satan and smokes glass ...
Where was I? Travel writing has made me silly in the head. Oh, yeah, eHarmony. I am sucker for personality tests so I figured, what the fuck? Maybe I can find the slightly unattractive love of my life...Actually I was just bored and took the eHarmony branded koolaid for a test sip.
Yep, and the results...Apparently I am unmatchable. Yep, roughly twenty percent, or one in five, of everyone that blows a lunch hour taking the test, does not fit within the "eHarmony Matching Matrix". But I did get my test results to prove how screwed up I am.
And for you, my gentle readers, here's my eHarmony profile:
OVERVIEW:You may be a matter-of-fact person who may be critical of the shortcomings of others who display a more emotional or outgoing side.
Others may see you as disciplined and self-controlled. You have seen the problems of being overly optimistic when planning to depend on others following through.
Others showing genuine sincerity and acceptance impress you. You do not like a shallow expression of feelings or thoughtlessness of others. You will get along with most people you meet because you don't cause hostility.
You usually assume a cautious and reserved demeanor when meeting new people. Your relationships must grow naturally and in sincere ways. You will not confide in others readily because of your need for security.
During times of stress or tension, you may withdraw inside yourself and appear as somewhat cool and aloof. You need to be alone when thinking through projects, problems or solutions.
Because of your thoughtful nature, you need others to express sincere interest in you or the relationship. This offers the secure feeling that you seek.
COMMUNICATION:You tend to listen rather than talk. You may place a premium on display of emotions. As a result, "reading" you at times may be difficult.
You are usually astute in social situations because you take little at face value, will listen carefully and accurately, and will watch others carefully.
You may be somewhat reticent and retiring when with others, especially in a large group. As others grow louder, you may become quieter. You value control of emotions, and are more reflective than rowdy.
Some people may inaccurately perceive you as not liking people. You may be misread by others, because you approach social situations with logic and objectivity, judging others by their competence--you may sometimes be misread by others.
You attempt to influence others not by showing great emotion, but by appealing to the logical nature of people. Those who are more emotional and excitable may sometimes ignore your approach.
Because of your need to be quiet rather than rambling, you are somewhat introspective about events and activities. You may not communicate readily and rapidly with others, but this does not mean you don't support others.
You may want to base relationships on a nonemotional respect for each other's abilities, and base your level of trust on directness and straightforwardness.
STRENGTHSYou are excellent at listening to the concerns and ideas of others.
You tend to work hard at making sure that other people are happy.
You are good at "troubleshooting" potential problems in a relationship.
You are very sincere in actions and words.
You are a dependable and caring partner.
You are very supportive of other people.
You take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.
You are good at helping others to reach their goals.
You don't tend to get distracted by superficial issues.
You are good at reconciling (i.e. you don't like to sulk after a conflict is resolved).
NEEDS:
As much travel as possible: short trips, long trips and excursions.
Others to "catch up" to your speed of doing things.
Others to behave with the same sense of urgency.
Reassurance.
Detailed information about major decisions with complete instructions.
Time to adjust to change.
Freedom from pressure to perform or to act quickly without precedent.
Recognition for your concern for quality relationships.
Many activities, so there is never a dull moment.
Others to work and play as hard as you do.
A variety of activities.
Actually, I will give eHarmony this, the personality profile is surprisingly accurate picture of my head. So they obviously do have something going for them. But, alas, I am part of that twenty percent minority that will never find the fat, giggly love of their inspid life through eHarmony and the creepy Baby-Fister.
I am not sure if being in eHarmony's Twenty percent of unmatchables makes me some form of Ubermensch destined to rule the lives of the rest of the country, or perhaps just make me a bit of a freak. Either way I find myself to be smugly pleased by the results.
Keep it Sexy, America
