What if Wal-Mart Was Porn...

You can spend all day slagging me for the crappy gramar in my title. But I just had an errant thought. What if a company like Wal-Mart, largest retailer in the country, the biggest importer of cheap goods, all around source of Consumerist Douche-Baggery had to function according to the same rules as the porn industry...

Imagine if Wal-Mart had to keep thorough records on when each microwave or DVD player or Action Figure was made. Who it was made by, where it was made, how much they got paid, and paperwork showing it was all done in a legal fashion. And what if you as joe-blow consumer could walk into any Wal-Mart and demand to see all these records to prove, beyond any doubt, that that DVD player you were being on Black Friday wasn't made with slave labour on the outskirts of Bejing....

Anyone else find it strange that there is more paperwork involved in shooting a movie with a bunch of people having sex, than it is to buy crap made by children in Asia for two cents an hour?

Keep it Sexy, America.

Six Degree of Dianetics

Ah, Tom Cruise, you beautiful BASTARD, stealing away another young, nubial piece of Hollywood snatch in the form of Katie Holmes away from us. Young, innocent, someone you can mold into a Scientology spouting, under-achieving, tightie-whitie dancin' Stepford actress.

Ah, that's all I got. To be honest, I could give a shit which symbol of bouregious consumerism is porking what other symbol of bouregious consumerism. Its all sound and fury before the fall to me.
However, whenever the bright flashy bobble that is the current state of American Media turns it attention to L. Ron Hubbard's weird fraternity of sci-fan refugees otherwise known as The "Church" of Scientology I always bring my fitful gaze across the street. Literally.

I live in a fairly peaceful section of Hollywood "adjacent" (in Holly-Land speak that means across the street from) to the Hollywood Hills off of Franklin Avenue. As fate would have it I am also "adjacent" to another semi-famous Hollywood landmark which happens to also be the Scientology Celebrity Centre. Don't ask me what Celebrities do in there, or what anyone in there wrong mind would do in There. All I ever see of events taking place within those hallowed ex-hotel walls are giant signs advertising seminars for actors. "BREAKING INTO THE BIZ!" usually accompanied by a glossy photo of a white-teeth, quaffed hair harridan just this side of Josef Goebbels' Ex.

Two years of living across from these people, and let me tell you something. THEY ARE FREAKY. Not just freaky in that normal kind of way most people with a little too much religion possess. No, we aren't talking about the cross hugging Catholics or the goose-stepping Protestants. No I am talkin' Stone Cold Freaky...

Every day and every night you see them out there. Pressed blue slacks, white linen shirt, glazed over stare. When you look at them, chain-smoking like Marlboro was just invented, who feel like you are a ghost, or worse a non-entity. You never see your average Scientologist laugh, or joke. They just sit outside there manicured compound and smoke and read something by -- wait for it -- L. Ron Hubbard.

Every so often you'll be crossing the street with a bag of chips, and you'll see this pack of Aryan's dresssed in similiar blue shorts and white t-shirts baring the logo of "SEA ORG". Like an army of guant, thin, dead eyed runners.

Then there was the one time I was buying a beer over at the local market and there was again this little midget of a Scientologist reading a copy of People Magazine, chewing a Snickers bar, laughing and giggling at -- wait for it -- pictures of TOm Cruise and Katie Holmes. This wasn'[t just the normal level of celebrity worship. No, this was like watching a child reverently stare at the picture of Jesus or Buddha or George W. Bush that some fascist publishing company would recklessly paste in the backs of 'Beginners Bibles'.

My God, it hit. Tom Cruise is a GOD to these people. He's like an asexual, extremely good looking, gap-toothed Jesus. HAS IT COME TO THIS!? Where Celebrities are now Gods in there little Churches based around a theology founded in Fifties Sci-Fi!?

Excuse my while I fashion a hat of tin foil and await the Michael Jackson Verdict.

Keep it Sexy, America.

I'm Just Messing With Ya'

I should really get out more. Couple days ago I wrote this email to some Chick Idiot who posted an ad on Craig's list asking for writers to submit ideas for 50 things or location a kid could look at from the back of an SUV. This all something to do with her very special kid's movie about a dog that never wanted to leave a car. Blah, blah, blah...

I mean, c'mon. Outside of the obvious, this is just a ripe opportunity for a thorough punking on a magnitude unknown henceforth by Man. So in response I sent her this emai:

"Well, its nice to know there are people who get more stoned than I do on a Friday. Anyway, here it Goes: LARRY'S TOP 50 THINGS KID WILL SEE IF A MOVING CAR!

50. Transvestites

49. Guys on Motorcycles

48. Black Men Being Arrested On A Street Corner

47. Billboards for A GAy Sex Phone Line (oh, my kids, ACKWARD)

46. Hunter S. Thompson and Doctor Gonzo riding around in a Big Red Convertible Cadillac.

45. Jack Nicholson Doing Coke off a Hooker's Tits in the Back of a Limo

44. Helicopters

43: Isane Clown Tricyclists

42. There Brentwood Mom talking on her cell phone, and Oops! Running Over a Bum. Hahahaha!

41. Dead Homeless Guys

40. HOOKERS! YAY!

39. Other Kids in a SUV

38. Nazis

37. The Communist Menance

36. Cats, the Animal

35. KATS! The Musical!

34. Bush lying through his Teeth, yep, Mom we can see it from Here!

33. Monkeys!

32. A Writer Jumping from a Tall Building Because He has Been forced to writer a shit script about a dog and an SUV

31. Grate Deadheads having a Breakin' style throw down with all the Jimmy Buffet Parrot Heads.

30. Fast Food. Hey, fuck this, why not Judi and Benji Go to White Castle?

29. The Dave Chappelle season 2 (in the year 2030) on DVD!

28. They could see Pink Floyd's The Wall, and Hear the Sky.

27. See This Entire Movie Going Direct to Video

26. They Could See That Joke Coming

25. They Could See Uma Thurman as THE BRIDE

24. They Could See The Bride Kill BILL!

23. They Could see listing all the things that they could see was really fucking boring.

22. Nudity

21. The Proccess Trailer that is towing their car around

20. Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z having a ping pong death match

19. A Bag Caught in an Up draft

18. Spaceships

17. Hippies

16. Flora and Fauna

15. Buses

14. PLANES! TRAINS! AND AUTOMOBILES!

13. Gas Stations that Only have Live Bate in there Vending Machines

12. The Rear Porjection Screen Behind them

11. Hey isn't that a Camera-Man? DON'T LOOK IN THE CAMERA KID!

10. The Dog (DUH!)

09. Tweaker Truckers!

08. DEATHRACE 2000

07. Me, getting Bore

06. A big Fat Bong being Chased by a Man dressed as a Taco

05. Mel Gibson. I saw a gas guzzlin' SUV about ten miles back. If You wanna get out of here. You come talk to me.

04. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

03. There House Exploding in Flames as Zombies consume the flesh of their bed-ridden grandma.

02. Tommy Vercetti stealing Ray Liotta's car.

01.Jesus -- just after their car crahses and burns, turning this awful family film into a wankable family snuff video.

THANK YOU!

Larry --"

I did forget to ask for my paycheck. Of course this lovely lady said she would pay writers $20 for every location suggested and up to $1,000.00 for each one used. I'm just waitin'! Daddy needs a new PSP!

Keep It Sexy, America.